You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
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Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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