Little spoons don't ask big questions
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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