If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
