Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
