I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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