So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I love you.
Bad choice
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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