the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
