he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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