Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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