Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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