wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Randomize
