just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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