so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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