I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
