So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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