Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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