I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
