New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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