3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
