I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
