Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
what day is it and did you see me today?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
