My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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