apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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