I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
