y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
