I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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