I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
