You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
