if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
