honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
