Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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