It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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