I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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