dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I will die if light touches me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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