I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
