she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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