I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
