So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.