Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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