It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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