Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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