I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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