I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
