i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
