How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
