My liver just broke up with me...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
