the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
