I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thus making me awesome and them whores
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
