My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
