I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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