I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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