when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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