she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
