you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize