She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
