remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
