Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
